I wait to find new people
to show who I truly am.
but why need I wait?
who can I scare by acting true,
except for myself?

so I'll dance in the rain; I'll rejoice in every drop.
I'll live for the sake of love, I'll grin at the face of death.
for there is no greater beauty than a heart which is itself.

I have slept for many hours,
but they were not enough.
Now I live with grey-tinted glasses
separating me from the happy masses.

The music's notes sooth my senses,
I talk with my undemanding friends.
So I glimpse the balanced happiness,
but soon once more my mind will bend.

In this same life I could be all content,
I would talk and smile and stand up straight.
If only, for a time, my eyes were dusted with sand,
if only I were transported to a dream-filled land.

even as we both find new ways to go,
I hope to never forget the beauty I have been shown.
I wonder how I will find such happiness again,
but in the end such wonderings yield no gain;
I can only trust my heart and the gods above
that I will once more feel two hearts meld in love.

as the tears struck down, I tried to understand
how such happiness could reign and then turn to sand.
I held out my hand to feel the drops' weight,
I thought and I thought until I saw through the spate.

the captain's voice on the bullhorn
slices through the stormy confusion:
the storm had been beautiful nature's necessary conclusion.
for those who are now gone the passengers mourn.

and so things seemed clear; I had come to some peace.
my heart was no longer desired, it was living without a lease.
these simple words seemed to cut through the mire;
and so I ached for what was gone but began to move on.

and once more life seemed a fountain of joy.
and once more the passengers found that the ship was heaven-bound.

I am the being that calls life its domain;
my identity I even now hold secure.
yet the body in which I reside
had taken the controls.
it finds no meaning in anything,
yet it seeks for meaning everywhere.
ineptly it blunders with its eyes and hands:
blindness is its domain.

it has tools perfectly fitted
for rendering beauty.
its form could stand for so much,
its heart's outpouring could fill a thousand oceans.
yet without me it is a senseless brute.
and without it, I can not see the world,
I can not sense a drop of life;
I am completely lost.

life surges forth; I come to the fore.
at the helm I sail us upon this sea.
and so the fault line shivers to a close.
and so two beings become as one.

it is not that I am unhappy;
I am perfectly content.
but I look around and see little
to guide me hence.

I want to say the sun has set
but outside it still shines down bright;
its rays reveal my thoughts' lies.
wandering this world alone,
it's easy to forget what holds meaning.
yet that does not mean the meaning is gone,
that does not mean that one is alone.

and so I live for tomorrow,
the day the people will return.
until then, what meaning can I find
except that which reminds me of them?

but my brain has a foul process it can apply
that shuts off all of this emotion's power supply.
it leaves me naught but a shell;
perfectly unhurt, but horribly cold.

this coldness reveals the invincibility's lie,
these memories call me back to the fold.
I must show my brain the light;
only with its blessing with my frozen heart be free.
only then will the color flood the world again.

once I cared not what I lost;
I though myself better off.
but now each shining burst trails tears,
as with the dusk so part moments dear.

I had seen pictures of her.
Now when I look at pictures thereof,
I see with her the spirit of love.

I had thought her to be many people.
Now I see she is only one.
Awe fills me; the love has begun.

And thus happiness fills my veins,
and thus I give her all I have to give,
and thus I love every moment I live.

Emotion seems so far off,
despite how much I beckon.
Memories confuse what I think I feel;
the fake tries to pass for what is real.
So I recede from my mind —
as to the truth logic is blind.
With your warm thoughts I will see anew.
With this simple beauty I will find the true.

In the hollow space that used to feel warm;
that is where I will rebuild what is forlorn.

     ——

presently the diamond tears shroud my face;
sandman, prithee, shine thy blessing light upon
this seed of happiness.

     ——

I find myself in an uncharted sea;
it's beauty stretches farther than the eye can see.
Yet I need no map, I need no dove,
for I am not alone upon the sea of love.

The first thought which wakes up my mind is a longing for my dorm room; sure, it's nice to be “home” and everything, but I miss having my computer right next to my bed right next to my bathroom right next to my kitchen right next to my study area right next to a boatload of my lovely friends. There's a certain economy that this arrangement requires which in turn makes it easier to focus on economizing your time in this world, as opposed to the environment which the heavily memory-laden “home” forces on you.

It's not that these memories are sad. They're happy memories, memories of opening boxes of Legos for Christmas and playing with them with my Dad, memories of long, wonderful summer nights spent doing nothing but coding, gaming, and living in the world of the Internet, memories of getting home late after a night of socialization at a friend's house... And yet, each of these memories evokes a deep sadness.

All these memories are decidedly from the past; more so than the memories I have of hanging out with people at William and Mary just last week, these memories' time has come and gone. Especially those which are further in the past. Never again will I get to open Legos with my parents, never again will I spend late nights in a world where nothing at all matters except the next line of code, the next instant message, and the next level in Diablo II. And, while I wouldn't really want to return to any of these worlds, at least not for too long, I mourn the fact that they are utterly lost to me.

My dorm room shows me the possibilities of the now and of the future; the people I can walk out my door and make friends with, the careers I can prepare for and jump into. But my house, my house reminds me of the past and the possibilities which are now closed off to me. And I know that if I forget these things, I will lose a large part of myself. Yet they are so difficult to hold on to; they reside only in memory, and with each day they grow fainter. But I must never forget what has passed, and most of all, I must never forget how wonderful the people with whom I share these memories really are, despite any flaws they may harbor.

emotions gather inside;
unshared they serve no purpose.
a flood is released.

a blessing breeze blows.
life's joyful fires are stoked anew;
spring tickles the heart.

if you listen to my heart,
I'll share with you this thing.
this strange creature, this secret.

music swirls about the secret's crystal throne;
the sound's currents illuminate the shimmering thing.
as life's light sneaks through the door, the secret flies free.

it dances through the halls and it cartwheels through my mind.
free, it shines like a star, a constant explosion letting off light and heat.
listen close and you'll hear it's call; close your eyes and into it you will fall.

I'll whisper it's name: love.